The Pubs

Gan' to Home

An Introduction

There are loads of pubs in the Hartlepool which cater for all tastes. Most are conveniently situated in the town centre and it more or less possible to stumble between most within a couple of minutes (although this is no hard and fast rule as it depends on the amount of Slade's home brew you have had before hand). Hartlepool probably has the greatest pub to person ratio of any town in the UK and it going to get better. New wine bars/theme pubs are opening at an unprecedented pace and it is only a matter of time before Hartlepool Borough Council realises that it would be probably be more profitable to convert the shopping centre into the world's first drinking mall. Drinking ale is without a doubt the number one recreation of the Hartlepudlian. The sheer talent of the Hartlepool Beer Drinker deserves some manner of sponsorship and this comes in the form of a bi-weekly Giro courtesy of HM Government.

Due to the sheer number of pubs in Hartlepool it will not be possible to review all of them but the lads will attempt to give a good cross section.

The Causeway

The Causeway is a out of the way pub on the outskirts of the Hartlepool Town Centre Circuit. It is traditionally a meeting place for the lads at the start of a Saturday night drinking session. Unlike most of the pubs in the town centre, it is generally frequented by loyal customers and therefore is not usually The Causeway

associated with being a "express" stop where the would be beer drinker attempts to get in the pub, order a drink, neck it and get on to the next pub with the ruthless efficiency of a member of the Special Air Service.

The atmosphere is laid back with lots of bare timber adorning the floor and walls. It is probably one of the best looked after pubs in the town. Opinion is split about the Causeway between the lads. Bev and Sladey really quite like the place but the others prefer to spend only a short time there as they seemed to get bored with the rather sedate atmosphere of place.

Once a free house known as the "Tap and Spile", the beer/cider in the place was very impressive. Now the tenancy has expired and it has been taken over by the brewery once again, it is still a free house although the range of beers on draught has been cut down. The beer in the place is more the acceptable and is significantly better than a lot of the other pubs in the town. The place rarely gets too busy and its quite easy to find a seat on most occasions. The only downside is that unless your sexual preferences are balding middle aged men, this place is a no go zone for a shag. Watson's chick, Katrina works here on a night occasionally. If you want to strike up a conversation with her, ask her about the time she met Keith Chegwin.

The BlackSmiths Arms

Taking a left when you leave the Causeway, The BlackSmiths arms are literally a 100 yards down the road. This is definitely a local pub and like the Causeway, is on the outskirts of the town centre circuit. It has recently been refurbished in the same olde worlde style as most of the other pubs in the town, but previous to its refurbishment, looked like the front room of a house in Calcutta Grove. There is a jukebox but generally it is very quiet in there and is quiet a pleasant place it would seem to sit down with a paper and read it in its otherwise none threatening atmosphere. The "Blackies" is a big pub with some real history if you are into that sort of thing. The small window on the graveyard side of the pub was once used to keep an eye out for grave robbers.

Like the Causeway, any attempt to spend a night in their trying to get shag will result in a bit of wrist exercise at the end of the night. This is a drinkers pub without a doubt.

The Venue

Coming out of the Blacksmiths Arms and taking a left until you reach the roundabout will bring the Saturday night fun seeker to the old co-op building. It ceased to be used as the co-op a good 15 years ago now and the entire building has been converted to a wine bar downstairs and a huge nightclub upstairs although I have yet to make my way into the nightclub as it is a recent addition.

The Venue is expansive, dark, the music is very loud and the beer is shite and well over priced. So why then do you ask do you frequent such a place. Well it is here that the creme of Hartlepool Totty passes through on their quick crawl around the pubs until they get to one of the nightclubs. So it is necessary to time your arrival at the Venue otherwise you will miss the spectacle. Best time to arrive seems to be about 2045 and all the fuss is over by 2130. By this time the only people left in the place are the lecherous sods that have arrived late for the totty on parade show. Best to be gone by this time. There are no other redeeming features to speak of.

The Venue has now sold it's last dodgy pint. It closed down a couple of months ago and the whole shooting match is up for sale at the moment to the highest bidder.

The Jacksons Arms

Now we're talking. The mutts nutts of pubs. This pub is about as good as pubs get in the Big H. and for

that matter anywhere. Situated on Tower St near Christ Church on a street corner, the pub is a split level drinkers delight. Unlike a lot of the other pubs in the town which seem to follow a theme, the Jacksons Arms is mercifully free of all pretensions and is a plain old, traditional free house serving decent ale. If there is one pub the lads collective agree on when the age old question "So where next ?" is asked, suggesting the Jacksons Arms causes no agro. All the lads rate the beer in the place and even pufta cider drinkers such as myself are catered for.

The pub is broadly split into two sections with plenty of seating. The main bar through the door on the left as you enter the pub, is mostly frequented by locals and other clued up people who like to spend the night in the place. The other side of the pub seems to be reserved for the express drinker busy chalking up the pint pots as they flit from pub to pub. The atmosphere is very laid back. There is a wide cross section of people in the place from rockers, middle class 30 somethings, dolites to pensioners. Music is rather low key and is provided by a juke box which has some classy tunes on it.

Sladey pictured earlier today waiting

for the Jacksons to open

Unfortunately due to some of the lads low boredom threshold we are rarely in the place for more than half an hour, but it has been known for me and Sladey to spend the entire night in there on the odd occasion.

Saturday afternoons in the Jacksons Arms are the dogs bollocks. There is a quiz in there hosted by none other than that cheeky get, Billy Blockbuster. Billy must be dyslexic cos its takes him fucking ages to get through the quiz. Half way through the quiz, the management intervene and bring out loads of free sarnies for everybody to eat while Billy rests his gob and has a fag. What follows is an excerpt from a bit of banter between Billy Blockbuster and a leggy blonde.

Billy had asked a TV related question in his quiz, "Name me five dogs that have appeared in a TV series". This blonde lass sat at the table next to us and her mate did'nt have a fucking clue and were trying to charm our Sladey in a less than subtle attempt to pilfer our answers.

Needless to say, Sladey wasnt effected by any of this female persuasion especially since he had Us outside the Jacksons

a pint on the table. Never the less, these lasses managed to get a sly eyeful of our answers and dutifully copied them down. We had wrote down Lassie, K9 and The Littlest Hobo amongst others. Billy then decides he wants the answers so the blonde goes up to him and gives him their answer sheet. Billy looks at it he and goes "You look like Jerry Hall without the looks" to which she replies "Put yer teeth back in before talking to me". Billy then peruses the answers that she had given him and goes "Ere you, you've been fucking copying these answers, its the Littlest Hobo not the Littlest Moped". By this time Billy seems to be losing his rag a bit as is as the leggy blonde who looks like Jerry Hall without the looks. Billy then says "Ere I'm going to deduct 10 points cos of yer cheating" to which the blonde retorts "Ere if you fucking deduct 10 points I'll deduct your head". So there you go. Come to the Jacksons for a fine Saturday afternoons entertainment. It's definitely more entertaining than 90 minutes at the Victoria Ground.

In summary, the Jacksons Arm is the Hilton of the pub scene. A highly recommended stop on your grand tour of Hartlepool.

The Office

Situated in Church Street, the Office was once known as RJ's and my mother was once the manageress of the place. The place was rough as fuck then and hasn't improved much now that they have spent a fortune on turning it into a theme pub. The theme being "The Office" and is seriously tacky. Bits of office furniture adorn the walls and the whole appearance of the place is of a cheap nasty gimmick loaded The Utter Shite Office

sweat pit. Surprisingly opinion is decided on this pub as a rather prolonged debate one night between the lads did show. It is my opinion, Sladeys and Spursies, that the place is a shit hole. Briscoe, Watson and Parsons are lured by the prospect of a cheap pint which in all fairness, they reckon is okay. Personally I find the atmosphere too smoky, too hot, too humid and the music is right in your face meaning that any aspirations to normal conversation disappear in what seems to the casual observer as a full on bawling match. You go to the office to drink and very little else really. Still its very popular on a Friday and Saturday night as is most of the drinking establishments down Church Street which in itself is definitely enduring somewhat of a rennaisance at the moment. There are plenty of other decent places in the immediate vicinity so gave it a wide berth.

Slades view :

If you like playing sardines then this is the place for you. Absolutely packed especially at the weekend, beer not particularly cheap. The average age of the clientele is about 40, or at least looks it.

Yate's Wine Lodge

This one of the latest additions to the vast array of wine bars which comprehensively cover the town centre. Situated where the old Bernard Povey carpet shop used to be in Victoria Rd., Yates bought him out and he is probably living on a yacht off the Seychelles now. A reputed

million quid was spent tarting the place up and converting it from a carpet shop into a top totty palace. The bar itself is huge and the music, like any Yates wine Lodge, is too loud. This is by the way since you won't be making much conversation as you will be too busy sticking your eyes back into their sockets. Yates seems to be the best place to go to observe really fit, top totty wearing next to nothing. Yes the trend in the Big H. for minimalism when approaching the subject of dressing is certainly to my liking. Oh and I forgot, the beer is okay and costly but the floor show is worth it. Parsons had to drag me and Watson out because we will dribbling too much. There is some of sort of bizarre dress code at work here. The second time I tried to get into Yate's the bouncer took a dislike to my super stylish cool basketball dappers and told me to fuck off. Well I did'nt want to argue the point so I'll just have to wait until they are begging people to go in there once the novelty has wore off and the they are begging for punters to come in.

The Tap and Spile

The Tap Spile is the Alan Whicker of the pub scene. The pub is well travelled, being situated in no less than three different locations in the time that it has been known to me. The Tap and Spile is definitely close to my heart. A free house and initially located where the Causeway now is, its forte was and still is, serving a wide variety of ales from independent brewers.I started drinking there when I was in university and have loyally supported the place ever since. Once the tenancy was finished and the local brewery

took back the premises which is now the Causeway, the Tap and Spile relocated to The Greenside out of the way on Stockton Road. It was merely a stop gap measure until they found more suitable premises which came in the form of the Old Volunteers Arms in Church Street. They set about stripping the place down to the bare wood which seems to be the hallmark of the Tap and Spile chain of pubs. The pub is now complete and although is a wonderful place to stop for a drink, it seems to have lost a bit of its charm. The clientele that frequented the Tap and Spile when it was located at the Causeway could be considered hard core and you almost guarantee to see the same faces in there every night. The Tap & Spile is still very popular on a Friday and Saturday night, but

because it forms part of the Church Street circuit, is frequented by the express drinker. That aside, the ale is fantastic although it is considered by some of the lads to be too expensive and refuse to drink there on that principal. The cider as but me and Katrina will testify, is the best in the town. Old Rosie weighing in at 7.8% brings a smile to your face in not much time at all. If you dont like the beer one week, you come back the next when it has changed.

The atmosphere in the pub is laid back but because of the limited seating downstairs, it gives the impression, even when full, that the pub is full of people just having a quick drink before clearing off. The upstairs has a lot more seating and has a sort of verandah where you can watch the people down below. Spilling drinks such that they fall on hapless monkey hangers is not recommended as the student who managed to spill an entire pint over the heads of a number of drinkers down below will testify. A rather irate Hartlepudlian looking rather drenched promptly rushed upstairs and smacked the lads head in. Rough justice indeed but then there is no excuse for being that stupid.

On that point, violence in pubs does not seem to be that prevalent. A prompt apology after knocking somebody or spilling a drink can avoid an altercation, but showing ignorance will almost certainly land you in deep trouble.

In summary, all the lads like the Tap and Spile but some find the ale a little too expensive. Personally I think thats bollocks as a pint of Strongarm (the benchmark) is only 5 pence dearer than in "The Office" and to be quite honest, a drink in the Tap & Spile instead of "The Office" is worth 5 pence to me. Well recommended and worth a visit.

Post script

Aah fuck. The Tap and Spile has been bought out. My men on the ground inform me that they have started playing music and even put carpet down. Fucking terrible. They will be selling fizzy water next.

The Brus Arms

Go to this pub in the afternoon if you want to be challenged to a drinking contest (while your wheels are been nicked from your car Ed.)

The Stranton

The pub in between the Blacksmiths and the Venue on the A689 on the way out of town. Hardly worth mentioning since the author has only been in twice and neither of those times were within the last five years. A good place to smash glasses if the last visit is anything to go by. With the Strongarm brewery right behind it, even Sladey would have trouble drinking this one dry.

The King Johns Tavern

I seen this one when I was up home last but didnt manage to get in the place. It's open where the old barker and stone house used to be by the Merchant stores. Paul Mullen sent me the report and it will do until I manage to crawl into the place. Cheers Paul.

Yep - another one has opened! The King John's Tavern is just behind The Merchant's Stores, in what was once Barker and Stonehouse's furniture store. It opened during the week, and we wnet in for a gander last night. It was heaving, although it did thin out by about 9.30, so we moved on. It's owned by the J D Weatherspoon's chain, and has a "no music" policy,
which makes a change from places like Yates's, where you can't hear yourself think. I know that the last comment shows that I'm showing my age - i like music, but I also like to be albe to hold a conversation every now
and then.

Back to The King John's Tavern - it's huge, and has a sort of beer garden beside it - it's really an outside terrace I suppose - won't get much use for 10 months of the year, but was well populated last night. Average clientele was a bit on the older side. we assume that everyone went in to see what it was like - will wait and see how it does over the next few weeks. With all these new places opening up, someone somewhere must be losing out - unless these establishments are so wonderful that they are generating new drinkers!!!! ( Not!!!)

Cheers

Paul

The Woodcutters

Favourite haunt of the Sixth Formers in Hartlepool because of its location and miles from anywhere at the top of Oxford Road. Say no more.

Bev's View

Great place if you want to have a crack at some nubile sixth formers :) About the same age as the totty in the venue but with brains.

The Park Hotel

In its heyday the busiest pub in the town, now just a pale shadow of its former self. The problems all

started when it changed hands and the price of the beer went up. Now hardly seems to open up the back room at all. The Park has been closed of late whilst it is being refurbished. Watson says that it will be opening again in the near future.

The Park has finally reopened so we had a nostalgic trip back to the place to see what they have done to the place. The backroom looked great. Much better that it used to look. It had been tastefully redecorated in the style of a proper traditional pub without any of the usual American parephenalia adorning the walls. The only concession to the nineties is the now almost mandatory video screen. Sladey was well impressed with the price of the beer. At a pound and nine pence you can't go wrong there. For a Friday night though the place was deserted. The same was true of a lot of the places in the town that night but there was almost an eerie silence over that part of the town that night. Is Church St going to be the death knell of the top part of the town ?

The Park is definitely back on the itenary although its a long bloody walk in the rain to the next decent pub from there. Certainly a really good place if you want a quiet place for a drink without baseball bats and cheesy American Hamburger signs above you head.

Bev's View

I used to go in the Park all the time. The place was usually full of rockers, bikers, Goths and whatever else. It was the alternative place to go and had a good atmosphere. It used to be, the Park and then Doom & Gloom on a Thursday night. Them days are well gone now. What a shame that it all fell to pieces.

Rio's

Another wine bar conveniently situated directly across the road from Oscars. Originally called Visions. For comments see Oscars.

Oscars

The first wine bar in Hartlepool and still going. The average age of the clientele is about 18 (at least it was the last time I went in there about two years ago). If it's beer you want, avoid, but if it's totty, this place is a must.

The Mill House

Bog standard Camerons pub, recently renovated. A good place to go on a Saturday afternoon before the match starts if Hartlepool are playing at home since it is situated close to Victoria Park. It is located on Raby Road near the swimming baths across the road from Caesars Palace.

The Chester Hotel

Well out of the way from the town centre or church street rounds, this pub is nevertheless worthy of mention because of the Whitbread Best Scotch which is about the best keg beer available in the town. A good place to start a night out.

Bev's View : I agree with Slade here. Great place just a shame its so far out of the way but then it is a local pub and not on the circuit. Still it stops the place been invaded by the marauding hordes

The Shades / The Cotton Club

Do not go into this pub unless you are over 50 or are intending to grab a grannie. The Cotton Club is an extended licence bar which plays sixties music to an undiscerning audience. The place has been going for years which is about as long as we have been avoiding it. The Shades is located at the bottom of Church St and seems to be enjoying somewhat of a revival of late. This is probably cause once you get to the end of Church Street, there is nowhere left to go (the word "home" springs to mind Ed.).

The Clansman

A place to be avoided for the most people. The only time to go in is during the afternoon when the pool table is free (that is there is no one else on it, it still costs 20p). The Clansman is up for sale. We go there every now and again as its a cheap spirits stop on Saturday night. The locals (!) make a point of staring at you and always seem to murmur something to you as you leave but to date, I've yet to decipher it.

Bev's View :

I went there once when I was 16 and didn't go out again for another year and a half.

St Johns Tavern

Rising from the ashes of a frozen food outlet at the bottom of the ramp just along from the Merchant Stores, King John's Tavern has got to be one of the biggest pubs in the town. The phrase, to swing a cat takes on a new meaning in this place. When you go to the bog in this place, you cross time zones. So what's it like? Well for a proper pub it is really cheap and there is tons of variety but getting served in there is a chuffing joke. There must have been about 30 people trying to get served and there was one lad who looked old enough to be on work experience from Jesmond Rd. Total chod. The actual place is okay providing you don't suffer from agrophobia. The air is quite clean which I think is policy of the management which I think is brilliant and there is no loud music blaring out. Needless to say, according to Bev's third law which states that there is a direct correlation between the number of dBs emanating from the loudspeakers and the percentage of young badger in the clientele, the fact that place did not have any loud speakers did not bode well for totty spotting . In fact it was none existent. Needless to say, this did not please Lee and his abnormally high testosterone levels who had to reluctantly switch off his totty scope after it failed to even register.

To sum the place up, good stop if you want a reasonable, quiet pint if you have a mate who suffers from claustraphobia and you want to be able to talk to each other.

The Bottle Bar

Once again, the lads were there! We caught the Bottle Bar on it's opening night. The Bottle Bar is located where Images used to be in the basement of the Grand Hotel. There is nothing particulary special about the place except the bottles were a pound a bottle! Wahey! This place could have been in a back room of Stranton House and I still would give the place a glowing write up! Well what can I say, er, the drinks are cheap, the drinks are cheap. What more do you want? There is a dance floor in there and music although it won't be perforating your ear drums. The seats are really weird, perfectly shaped if you have a posture like Quasimodo. The place is pretty much like any other cheap bar in the town, fairly nondescript, but what more do you want? It is located in a shrewd place, midway between the top of town and Church St. and as a result, I reckon it will be reasonably popular stop.

The Lighthouse

Situated where Rumours used to be located on Church St. It's took them quite some time to sort this place out and I went in on Christmas Eve with the lads and was really surprised. If

you have ever seen Brookside then you will have a very good idea what the interior of the Lighthouse looks like. It is very much like Bar Brookie inside and it obvious some considerable thought has gone into the interior design. Compared to the design of the rest of the wine bars in the town, this place is a breath of fresh air. It's bright, airy, spacious, comfortable and a excellent alternative to a traditional pub. There is a dance floor and a DJ but the music is played at a reasonable volume and focused on the dance floor meaning that it is possible to hold a conversation whilst enjoying a pint. There is even a small corner of the wine bar that contains some settees for you to sit in and have a chat. How long these remain in their current condition will remain to be seen. Watson and myself both gave the place an excellent totty rating. The beer is pricey and seems mostly to be sold in bottles although there is a lot of stuff on draught too. Yep this is a really cool place and will remain very popular I would imagine as it is an excellent deviation from the the norm. Smart and tarty, give it a visit.

Merchant Stores

Originally Perrys TV store and located over the road from Yates on Victoria Road.

Old Mr Perry like Mr Povey over the road succumbed to a large wad being waved under their noses, and sold up and probably moved to the Costa Brava laighing all the way to the bank. This place opened just before christmas in a blaze of hype. Touted as a place for Serious Socialisers, but as far as I can make out, frequented only by the likes of my mam who has the odd sarnie in there on a dinner time. If you ever hear anybody talking about the place, the words "Far too big and empty" occur more often than not. Yes this place really has'nt taken off as far as I can see. Yes it is big, it's very bare and very very wooden and yes, I was the only one in there when we went in. The lads have boycotted it cos its too expensive. It's not bad in there but then it's not exactly full of biff. Something will have to be done to the place otherwise it looks like it will go down the pan. It could quite easily be really good in here but it is missing something at the moment.

Kal's Winebar

Yet another wine bar has popped up in Church St. This one is located close by Bikini's Fun Bar. Like the Lighthouse, Kal's is new, bright and spartan and does'nt have music been pumped into you ear lugs at 300dbs. By the same token, there seems to be something missing in the place. There does not seem to be much of an atmosphere, just a place to go for a drink and then move on. Maybe Kal's will get going in the New Year but there is a lot of competition in Church St nowadays and you need to stand out in the crowd in order to get the custom me thinks.

The New Market

The New Market can be found on Lynn Street and is just about all that remains really of a

very impressive area of the town. A huge pub without pretensions, a proper Northern pub. We go there occasionally on a Saturday night for a pint but usually there is a karaoke going off and I have yet to hear anybody singing in there who does not sound like a drowing cat. Be warned. The New Market is a very popular pub with what seems like a hard core local crowd in there. Worth a look but don't pick a fight in there ! We had a amazing incident with a pissed up one armed man outside who started some polite chat with us but proceeded to go off his trolley , going on about running the town and ultimately the world as he disappeared off into the distance before ultimately walking into a lamp post and before collapsing on the floor totally shitfaced. We didnt laugh honest.

Fibber McGinty's

Hartlepools compulsory Irish theme bar. Beer OK but very expensive. Regularly hosts Irish bands, usually the same one week after week.

Bev's View :

Contrived over-priced shit pit. It looks like they have had Bobby Sands in to do the interior decoration. How bad can you get when they have piped Irish jokes being pumped out of the speakers in the toilet ? Once more, the bouncers are tossers after threatening to beat Spurs up for no apparent reason. Yep hopefully this place will go like the Queen Vic and the Dagmar but I doubt it since some folk don't seem to mind paying an arm and leg for a pint. If you must, this place can be found on Whitby street just off Church St. They normally have on a Irish act on a Saturday night which despite the fact that they seem to play the same music week in and week out, is not too bad if you are shit faced and are confused enough to think that you are actually in a Irish pub.

The Royal

Recently renovated due to blood stains in the toilet. There have been no murders in this pub since the

decor changed. Could be described as an old mans pub, except that no old men dare go there any more. The Royal is situated at the bottom of Church St.

Hey man Sladey, credit were credit is due. The Royal is a great pub with adequate body armour. On the negative side, on a Saturday night up until drinking up time, they have a Karaoke going. Also the Royal is the nearest thing that you wil get to indoor smog. On a Saturday night when the place is heaving and the karaoke is in full swing it is barely possible to breath in the place due to the smoke. Last Saturday night when we were in, it was f**king chokka. The wimmin were queuing up to get into the mens toilets and the blokes were pissing in the sinks cos they could'nt get to the urinals. That's the last time I wash my hands in a pub in Hartlepool.

The Princess Helena

The cheap spirits pub, the only thing worth drinking in this establishment is the spirits, the beer is indescribable (Err I can describe it, shite Ed.)

Other things worth noting about the Helena is the average age of the clientele and the glass collector on a Saturday night who looks like the bloke from the Prodigy. Great place to go if you want a 40 something recently divorced bewer or meet Uncle Mikie, author of the Wrinklie Guide to Hartlepool.

This has got to be a wind up but so what. I got an email the other day from a lad that claims to be theglass collector in the Helena and asking if I could clarify a few things as he quite rightly points out a factual inaccuracy in the page;

"I would like to point out that I am the former glass collector at The Princess Helena who was refered to as "looking like the bloke out the Prodigy". I would like to point out that this is incorrect as I am actually a punk rocker with a red mohican, and not a raver. I would be grateful if you were to update the page and point this out. Thank you very much."

Timmy Tuck (A Rocker Not A Raver)

The Brewer and Firkin

Situated on Whitby St formerly and called "The Alma", the Brewer and Firkin is a bit of an enigma. The place is really popular on a weekend but there is no obvious attraction. There is a pool table and dart board. The inside of the pub reminds me of Bruce Waynes library with the lights dimmed. Possibly they are pitching the pub at the more intelligent punter (could be cos I go there Ed.). Usually they have a DJ in playing some music which is generally okay and not in your face.

I like the place because you can always seem to find a seat as the place is so big. The beer is okay and the prices are not too bad either which goes in its favour. Whatever the attraction of the place, we usually end up there on a big night out to break the journey up from The Jacksons to Church Street ! Yeah the place gets a thumbs up.

The Grange

The Grange Hotel is situated at the junction of Park Rd. and Victoria Road. Back room of the Grange used to be really popular until Bogarts and 42 Street opened on it's doorstep. Nowadays the place is really quite. Sitting at the near the window in the front room is the nearest you are going to get to knowing what it is like to live in a goldfish bowl. Beer & cider is expensive from what I can remember and guaranteed to give you a headache. I'm sure some of these pubs don't clean there lines out properly. From a totty point the place does not rate too highly. Better off going to Bogarts as it full of the stuff or even better still, two doors down the way is the Yate's Totty Emporium. If you don't know how to get there, leave the Grange and follow the noise. We very rarely visit the place and when we do, its simply a meeting point.

The Grange is now no more. After a prolonged period of renovation, it was reopened to the world after a multi million pund refit (well it probably cost a few bob) looking like, my mams front room, only bigger. They have knocked the front and back rooms though into one so instead of walking down the backstreet to get to 42nd Street now, you can simply walk straight through the Grange, sorry I meant Huxters. Stupid name though. Anyhow it seems to be working cos when I was in there it was heaving in there for no apparent reason. Apart from the loud music and the expensive beer, there is nothing much in there. The atmosphere is that of a sad dodgy house party that you went after somebody told you about it at last orders and it seemed like quite a good idea after ten pints. And it wasnt. Yates does the loud music, expensive beer thing much better. Give it a miss I reckon.

Joe Pools & Caesars Palace

Once the Odeon cinema, this wonderful building as been stripped of all it's dignity and turned into a massive late license wine bar. It is Hartlepool's answer to the wild west. Caesars Palace (otherwise known as Sandsend Palace) is the nightclub that never was. A huge multilevel room where the auditorium of the cinema used to be pumps out music but it all stops at 12 cos the owner can't bribe/wangle a nightclub license. Don't mess with the clientele otherwise you will get your face reorganised. Totty is generally pretty rough and ready.

For those thinking that the Gemini is too soft and wanting an early night, Caesars palace can be found at the start of York Rd. opposite the baths. I believe the place has closed recently for refurbishment and to wash the blood off the walls.

The Fly 'n Jug

The Fly n' Jug is just over the road from the Venue and is a huge place, split into two levels.

This pub is currently very popular on a weekend although its attraction is to the outsider, hard to see. The upstairs has a verandah which looks over Hartlepools very own mini motorway. Many a happy moment has been spent standing up here on a Saturday night with a pint watching all the bewers trying to get across the road doing the splits on the railing down below, flashing their gubbings and then collapsing on a heap on the other side. Is this why the verandah in the Fly n' Jug is so popular even in the middle of winter ? Probably.

The lads usually stop off here for one on a Saturday night usually after the Sports Bar on route to Church St. The beer is okay but to its credit, is reasonably cheap. Other than watching totty from the verandah, there is little to commend the place.

The Engineers

Worth a mention even though the place is a really a working mens club and is therefore out of bounds to non-members. I went back the other weekend and in the lads never ending quest for a cheap pint, they have discovered working mens clubs. The Engineers in theme with the rest of the town, has undergone a something of a renaissance in recent years. Essentially, like all working mens clubs, the Engineers is smoke stained barn where old blokes go to play pool and escape the missus while she cooks the Sunday lunch. Never the less ,its a good place for a drink and has a completely different atmosphere than in the nearby pubs and wine bars although occasionally there is some dodgy goings on there. When I was in there last, some old grannie did a strip to the Spice Girls "Wannabe".

The Bikini Fun Bar

This place used to be the Church St Tavern until it went bust again. This has got to be the cheapest refit of them all. Tempted by the prospect of seeing nubile young female Monkey Hangers walking around in fuck all, we all piled in looking for a cheap thrill. The sum total of the refit was a 10 metre long mural based on a beach scene. The whole scene reminded me of Del Trotters Flat and even worse, the scantily clad young cocktail waitresses transpired to be some old boiler behind the bar pulling pints. Not a result. Something tells me that the guy who is running this show must be desparately keen to open a bar in Marbella.

The DJ from the Gemini was on hand to try and whip the clientele into a mad drinking frenzy, but the Bikini Fun Bar is not quite in the same league as the Queen of the Pulling Palaces, The Gem. None the less if you can handle the beach panoramas, the gently swaying palm trees and you don't mind Agadoo at 500 dB, this place is not too bad.

By means of a postscript, speaking to Watson this weekend, he reported that whilst at work, some lad mentioned a pub in Church St that had bar maids with hot pants and bikini tops on. Allegedly, on a Sunday afternoon, there is even topless barmaids ! Don't quote me on this, I'll have to see it with my own eyes before I believe it.....

The Sports Bar

The sports bar is the place to come if your chosen sport happens to be watching totty.

On a Saturday night the place has chuff hanging from the rafters. The Sports Bar has a chequered history. Once it was part of the Labour club and then I think it was called the Ritz which used to do loads of live acts. It was a bare floorboards, cheap beer affair that started off quite popular and then went down the pan only to reopen as the Sports Bar. Other than the phenomenal amount of totty in there generally, there are wall to wall video monitors screening Sky Sports. The far end has the mother of all video screens upon it. This place is a really good place to come and watch the footie when its on. Me and my sister (who is a star footie player in her own right, playing in the Ladies Premier League) came here to watch a Newcastle- Liverpool match last year and it was brilliant. The beer is shite but if you can put up with the really loud music and all the biff crammed in the place, not a bad stop.

Masters Continental

Masters Continental is one of the wine bars in the town that seems to have been going for ages. When it opened it had the Queen of Totty, the lovely luscious Lesley Ann Musgrave (pictured below being mauled by the Wrinklie Guidester himself), our very own Miss UK , pulling the pints behind the bar. Of course, getting a pint pulled by a Miss UK had a certain novelty value attached and kept us amused for a couple of visits. Unfortunately it never did live up to

Lovely Les being pawed by letcherous Wrinkly author

Sladey passes judgement on Masters

our early expectations. We never go there nowadays. There is more of an atmosphere on the moon than in Masters. They are pitching the place as some sort of pseudo continental cafe affair. Funny though, I've never been to many cafes on the continent that have erotic dancers (or neurotic dancers as Briscoe likes to call them). Although this was a while ago now, we took time out from our busy Saturday night schedule to see a bit of flesh and all we saw was some old tart rubbing her leg up the side of a table. During the day, they do a bit of food which I've never bothered with so I can't comment. If you must visit the place, it is right next to Christ Church in Church Square. Sladey is pictured on the right giving his verdict on Masters.

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