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In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Commitee on their choice of venue for the Games in the year 2040, the organisers of the North East's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area (preferably the South Bank area), wearing the costume of shell suit, Tommy Hilfiger imitation sweat shirt, fake tan and balaclava mask and will burn for the duration of the Games in a large chip pan situated on the roof of the stadium.
100 Metres Sprint:
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (on under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 Metres Hurdles:
The same as above with obstacles added (eg. car bonnets, hedges,garden fences and walls).
Hammer:
Competitors in this event may choose which type of hammer they wish to use (claw,ballpane, sledge, etc.). The winner will the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
Fencing:
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible, in five minutes.
Long Jump/High Jump:
These events have been amalgamated and will be referred to simply as 'A Jump'. Mixed under 18s teams only, carrying a 2 litre bottle of Woodpecker and dressed in loose fitting sporting clothing only please.
Shooting:
A strong challenge is expected from local men in the shooting. The target firstly, will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a Post Office counter clerk, a nightclub bouncer, a bank teller or an Armaguard style wages delivery van.
Boxing:
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night.The husband will be given 15 pints of bitter and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.The bout will then commence.
Cycling - Time Trials:
Competitors will be asked to break into the Poly bike sheds and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's boy from the home counties on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. Local representatives are expected to break records in this event.
Cycling - Pursuit:
As above,but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the West Hartlepool Rugby team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathalon:
Amended events to include Mugging, Breaking and Entering, Flashing, Joy-Riding and Arson. This event is expected to be dominated by the younger competitors from Norton.
The Marathon:
A safe route has yet to be decided but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
Swimming:
Competitors will be thrown off the A19 flyover into the Tees and the first three survivors to reach the Tees Barrage first will decide the medals.
Mens 4x100 Metres Relay:
To be run according to the usual rules with the slight amendment of replacing the batons with handbags stolen from members of the public watching the event.
Mens 4x400 Metres Relay:
As above but with a Police dog giving pursuit to ensure they run further.
Weightlifting:
This will now be a pairs event. In the first round entrants will be required to smash a shop window and make their escape with a three piece suite/washing machine from the display. Medals will be decided by the first team to overturn and torch a Police armed response van, complete with Constables. The Geordies contingent are odds on favourites to clear up in this event.
Mens 50km walk:
Was to be hosted around Stockton and Norton but unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets.
The Olympic flame will be be extinguished by someone dropping an old
washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to
the stadium followed by representatives from all parts of the region having
a lag on it after consuming 10 pints of
ale. Participants should be reminded that spirits are flammable following
an incident at the closing ceremony at the Glasgow 2016 games.
The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
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